How to Deal with Tantrums

If you have a child, know a child, or have ever been a child, then you likely know what tantrums are… ☺ While there will never be one answer for dealing with each melt down, it is important to arm yourself as a caregiver with multiple approaches to both feel prepared with different tools and to enhance your calm to cater your response (or non-response) to your child.

Sometimes, there is a predictable reason the tantrum occurred, and sometimes there is not. You want to address your child’s tantrum based on the function or why it occurred. The best way to determine this is to look at what immediately occurred before the meltdown.

Did you remove a preferred item or activity (e.g., took away the iPad or TV, told your child “no” to having more cookies)? Was your attention removed(took a phone call or engaged in a conversation with someone else)? Did you make a less preferred request (“eat your broccoli”)? Is there no rhyme or reason for your child’s tantrum? How you should react to your child’s tantrum depends on why your child engaged in the behavior to begin with. Let’s explore some of these scenarios to determine the best course of action:

Tantrum Reason #1: Accepting No

If you removed a preferred item or stopped a favorite activity and your child has a meltdown, be sure s/he understands engaging in this meltdown will not allow more access to this item. AKA, don’t give back what you just took away!

You can teach your child appropriate replacement behaviors for these meltdowns, such as asking for more time to play. However, it’s OK to say “we can do this later” or “not right now” as sometimes this will be the case and your child will learn to cope. Keep in mind: If you give in and give your child the preferred item, your child will quickly learn: “It worked!”

Tantrum Reason #2: I don’t want to do that!

If you gave a less preferred instruction, such as eating a vegetable or working on homework, be sure to follow through. Let your child know these are the expectations and it needs to be completed. However, to make those less preferred activities go smoother – you need to come prepared.

Be proactive! First, assess your child’s motivation. Set up a routine of doing homework before allowing your child to play video games. Once the homework is completed, then s/he can have that preferred activity. Have a yummy bite of cookie ready for after your child completes a bite of broccoli.

Always remember it’s OK to “shape behaviors,” meaning you start small and work your way to the overall goal. For example, eating one little piece of broccoli and then giving a small piece of the cookie is a great start!

Overtime, it turns into 2 small bites of broccoli, then small piece of cookie, then 3, 4, 5 bites of that veggie, and eventually, overtime, your child is eating a whole piece of broccoli before having the treat or even not requiring it at all. Don’t start out with presenting a huge and demanding task. Set your child and yourself up for success!

Gradual progress is still progress, and it’s a more successful approach than holding out for your child to complete the huge, daunting task.

Tantrum Reason #3: Pay attention to me!

Sometimes your child wants all of your attention. And why not? You’re their go-to person, their favorite person to be with! However, it is unrealistic to give your child all of your attention 24/7. This may present like: Your child will tantrum is you start to have a conversation with a sibling or another adult. Or maybe you shift your attention by playing with them at first and then getting up to start dinner.

The “functions” of these behaviors are “I want your attention.” Try to be proactive about the removal of your attention. Tell your child, “I need to talk to your teacher. You can play with your blocks until I am done.” You can even set a timer as a visual for waiting.

Again, start with a smaller, more attainable goal, then work your way up. Waiting for 1 minute is more attainable than starting out with the expectation to wait 15 minutes. You can practice this “waiting game” for short intervals if your child is more prone to tantrum in these situations by doing this at home.

Having them wait in a more controlled situation and experiencing success with this will set you up for future successes in public, because they know and will have practiced this expectation. Once s/he waits, give praise immediately and let your child know you appreciate and are proud of them.

In the worst case scenario with attention-based tantrums, sometimes the only response may be to give yourself a “mommy timeout,” meaning you remove yourself in order to give less attention to the tantrum.

Tantrum “Reason” #4: No reason at all!?!?

If your child has a tantrum out of “nowhere” and you can’t identify why this tantrum just occurred, it could very well mean the meltdown is because of internal factors. They could be in pain, overly tired, or not feeling well. Try teaching or modeling some alternative coping skills: deep breathing, counting down from 10, applying deep squeezes, etc. If your child can communicate what is wrong, wait until your child is calm enough to explain things.

Do not overly ask “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” if they are in a state where they aren’t thinking clearly and won’t be able to access their reasoning centers in their little brains. There will always be a calm following the tantrum and you can discuss then what happened, why they were upset and what better strategies would be to use next time.

Now that we’ve covered some reasons and responses to the different tantrums a child may experience, let’s talk briefly about some tantrum-response basics. The following principles when practiced on a regular basis will significantly help avoid or reduce any tantrum.

Response #1: No extra attention / remain neutral

Always react to tantrums in a neutral tone of voice. It’s not effective to have two panicked people attempting to communicate. Try not to yell or elevate your voice. Be very “neutral” when giving any directions during a tantrum. You are modeling a calm demeanor. Also, reprimands do not always decrease the tantrum behavior for every child.

Do not feel that you have to tackle the tantrum at that very moment! If your child is elevated and seems inconsolable, then there is no point in trying to reason or explain things at that time. Breathe. Then wait until your child is calm or seems s/he can understand what you’re attempting to explain.

Response #2: Mean what you say and say what you mean

Ok, you learned this in second grade but it still applies to your children! Mean what you say – You must follow through with your expectations! The more consistent you are with this, the more your child will understand to listen to your directions, because you are not going to back pedal. Say what you mean – don’t give empty threats!

Parents often use future events as ways to correct certain problem behaviors in the moment. “We aren’t going to your cousin’s birthday party if you act like this!” “We will not go to Disney World if you keep it up!” Are you really going to no show for the family birthday party or cancel the family vacation that’s been planned for the last six months over this tantrum? No. So stop staying that! Your kids know it too! Empty threats = empty results. Period.

Public Tantrum

But what about the dreaded PUBLIC TANTRUM? The one that makes you swear you are never taking your child to the grocery store ever again? When tantrums occur at the store and it feels like everyone stops to stare, no actually, you are sure everyone is staring at you and judging you (especially the old lady behind you in line peering at you over her glasses). Our best advice?? Who cares?!?!

Don’t let others impede you from handling your child’s meltdown how you see fit. If people are looking, it is likely they are thinking, “That stinks” or “I’m glad that’s not me” but not “there’s a horrible parent and/or child over there.” Just continue to remain neutral and address the tantrum as you would at home. If going to the store historically results in tantrums, there are some ways you can be proactive before heading out.

One of those ways is assigning jobs for your child. Kids love to help and they love to feel needed. Make a list (words or pictures) and have your child help you complete the list and cross things out. If not a shopping list, maybe an “I spy” list…such as: find something red, something round, a picture of a baby…get creative! Motivate your child to follow your directions by setting the expectation to do so, complete the shopping list, etc. before buying the small toy or candy at the end.

Keep Calm and Stop to Smell the Flowers

Keep in mind you’re not the only parent who is struggling with their child’s tantrum. Tantrums will come and go. It’s important to be consistent in order to decrease future occurrences of tantrums. Don’t harbor on a tantrum from earlier or bring up past poor behavior.

Why would you remind your child how to act unfavorably while they are playing nice? Once they are calm, take time to play and have fun with your child. Give them reminders during this time that you love how they are laughing or how it is so fun to share and take turns together. Playtime is a great reminder time for reinforcing behavior that you want to see more of!

Conclusion

Hopefully you have some tips and tricks to implement with your child in some of their hardest moments. When these tools run out or you feel like you are not making enough consistent progress with your child, call our behavioral specialists at CPTWC.

We offer all levels of assistance with these challenging times, from consultation to in home, one on one coaching. There is no tantrum to big or small that we can’t tackle! If you wish to learn more, check out our services we provide for behavioral therapy here.